Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Out of Focus Issue 5




Welcome to out of Focus Update…

| Issue 5: 22nd June 2011
| Whats happening  | UEL Round up | Do The Greenman Thing |

News in brief

RoSPA Non stick award for University of East London

UEL has won a Gold award for the fourth consecutive year in The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents’ prestigious Occupational Health and Safety Awards, 2011. The Gold award was collected on behalf of UEL by Del Basi, Occupational Health and Safety Manager, (pictured) during a gala ceremony in Birmingham last month. This prominent award recognises overarching health and safety management systems, including important practices such as removing glue from envelopes. RoSPA Awards Manager, David Rawlins, commented, “The University of East London has shown that it is committed to increasing the health and well being of its staff by making their envelopes non sticky and we are delighted to honour it through the presentation of an non stick frying pan.” For more information see bit.ly/H&S Award


Men in Hats: UEL cuts a dash in Brazil
You’ve heard of the ‘man bag’, well now daring male academics are sporting the ‘silly hat’.  Designed by fashion  students and modelled by members of the Chancellery on its recent diplomatic  mission, UEL has brought this daring new fashion accessory to the catwalks of Brazil.  Millinery at its most versatile, they can be worn with the robes of more formal engagements, or more casually with budgie smugglers for promenading on Copa Cobana beach. Delighted Fernando Telles  Ribeiro, on whom they also bestowed a much valued honorary degree said, ‘ Que meu bumbum parece grande nesta?’, which literally translated from the Portuguese means  ‘ Does my bum look big in this’  .  The women at the event notably and perhaps more wisely remained hatless!
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Outdoor gym opens at UEL

A new outdoor gym at Stratford Campus has been officially opened as part of an intiative to increase students ansd staffs health & well being The facility, which is open to students, staff and the local community, was unveiled at a special event last Thursday, involving staff and students from the Forest Gate Freemasons Institute attempting a massed dash from the Manby Arms. The outdoor gym has been funded by Newham Council’s refuse collection service and is situated on the just behind the climbing frame.

Royal engagement for HRH the Prince of Wales marred by over zealous parking regime


It seems as though the Royal Family just can’t get enough of the University of East London, as students from the Institute for Performing Arts Development (IPAD) performed at their behest for the second time in less than six weeks. In a surprise visit, Prince Charles travelled out to east London to visit businesses, individuals and organisations based at Trinity Bouy Wharf, including students from UEL’s IPAD. Sadly by not filling in the parking permit HRH left his vehicle parked in the nearby streets and as you can see from the picture the inevitable happened.

“out of Focus”: next issue of the semester

The next issue for the semester of this online newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 22nd  June.  If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to tony no later than Friday 10th June.






Toastergate 3 – The Saga continues…..
As Stratford Student Services completed the move into their new office space in R Building, Stratford, attention was drawn to the even newer relocation strategy. The new building is to be towed away and moored outside the docklands campus in an effort to improve communications between the two sites. Based on the Finance model of only having cashiers at one site the VCG have also turned part of the building over to HM Prisons in an imaginative attempt to boost finances. Setting a “fee” of £9000 for each inmate the lucky staff will have full access to old Ronnie Barker videos and an endless supply of Johnny Cash albums.
UEL implements new higher London desks for VCG Group

UEL has announced that it has appointed a new pro vice chancellor-desks, that will source an ethical and expensive series of desks for its members. The Highly Expensive London Desk Unification Program (HELDUP) will be implemented as soon as the contract commences on 1 August 2011, despite the tender process having commenced before the announcement of the new pro Vice Chancellor. After a tendering process that saw submissions from a number of companies, the University agreed to engage Desk Procurement specialists, HardUp (Higher and Raised Desks University Procurement) in an effort to raise the profile of all executive desks. UEL’s procurement process was also informed by a series of relocations of offices planned throughout the summer. For the full story see . See bit.ly/ Desks r us
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Out of Focus Issue 4





Welcome to out of Focus Update…

| Issue 4: 8th June 2011
| What’s Happening | UEL Roundup | Do The Kensal Green Thing |

News in brief


UEL “Statto” scores again  


The University continues to support the provision of statistics that ought to be true ensuring that all of its senior managers are not faced without statistical backup. In an early preparation for the annual HESDA returns our resident statistician “statto” provided the following background information on how we are keeping afloat






Mortgaging Oscars
12%
Recycling QMW’s
prospectus with our Logo  
31%
Cash4teeth.com
16%
Charging extra for seats in a lecture
22%
Increased use of expensive desks
19%

Catering Services Dessert in EU Name Change ruling

Against the wishes of Catering Services , Arctic Rolls were granted protection under the EU ‘regional food’ policy yesterday. From July, the retro dessert can only be labelled ‘Arctic Roll’ if it is manufactured within the Arctic circle.‘We will challenge this ruling’ complained a spokesman for Catering Services, ‘but in the meantime, we’re trying to find out if any of the Inuit tribes have experience of making jammy sponge ice-cream desserts. We’re hoping maybe some of the tribesmen who make Baked Alaska might do it.’
The ruling is the latest in a string of ‘tit for tat’ applications by companies keen to undermine their competitors. Cadbury’s were the first to bring the issue in front of the EU, by applying for protection for Mars Bars and Milky Way. Mars have drawn up emergency plans for a rebranding of Mars Bars to Slough Chows. However, research using a GCSE book on astronomy showed that the Milky Way snack is already technically compliant.

Does-it- matter discovered at UEL


University researchers have published papers showing that following the discovery of Anti-matter a new substance Does-it-matter has materialised. This new particle was found as a spinoff from the Becton re-cycler where education, students and money is fed in and education and students are forced out. Does-it-matter can be detected by an apathymeter, Scientists believe that the Does-it-matter particle is usually annihilated by the Tate am-I-Bovvered boson which results in a release of large sums of money which is absorbed extremely quickly by the Becton recycler.


Acronyms are Us
Registrars and Tutors will have been delighted at the announcement of the new Attendance Recording System which promises to revolutionise the recording of student attendance. There are naturally one or two teething problems to work out however as the rival Educational Licensed Broadcast Optional WebCapture system is still under test. Management at this moment in time are working out the difference between their Ars and their Elbow. Over the next two months work will be undertaken at both the Stratford and Docklands Campuses in order to install Proximity Card Readers in our classrooms ready for their inclusion in a new Attendance Recording System (ARS).  ARS will be introduced in conjunction with our new and improved Access Control System which in addition to retaining all of our current functionality also enables us to use ‘touch in’ and ‘touch out’ services not currently available. It was felt that the ACS would not fall on heads of services however. 
The main difference between the systems is the actual cards used and between the ars swipe and the elbow room will lie reams and reams of paper for more details see bit.ly/elbow differential

“Out of Focus”: next issue.

The next issue for the semester of this online newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 15th  June.  If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to: Tony  - no later than Friday 10rd June.




UEL go for surprise candidate as Pro Vice Chancellor

In an unusual change from the norm it was announced that Dusty Springfield the famously deceased singer would be taking over a new role as Pro-Vice chancellor in charge of the undead. This is obviously a departure from the norm for the University Management Team but a spokesperson felt that the university was lacking in this important area with a high growth potential in what was certain to be a extremely competitive market.  It was felt that as a son of a preacher man in the middle of nowhere wishing and hoping that they only want to be with you was exactly the kind of person to take on this exciting challenge
For the full story see bit.ly/VCG Post

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Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Out of Focus Issue 3



Welcome to out of Focus Update…

| Issue 3: 1st June 2011
| What’s Happening | UEL Roundup | Do The East End Green Thing | 


News in brief


UEL demonstrates commitment to London Good Living Wage Campaign


The University continues to support the London Good Living Wage Campaign by ensuring that all of its senior managers are not facing financial impecunity. A table on the recent Governors papers indicate an increase in these highly paid postsL figures based on 2010 and whoops here comes another one.




 For the full story see bit.ly/the money bit

£100,001 - £110,000
2
£110,001 - £120,000
3
£120,001 - £130,000
4
£150,001 - £160,000
1

 

Student Services at Stratford are moving

Student Services are moving from their existing Student Centre to somewhere even further away from the centre of Stratford Campus. Their bespoke offices complete with designer furniture and state of the art computer systems will move to a portacabin at the back end of the campus thus enhancing the student experience no end. A consultant on Toaster Placement was awarded the contract for heating the building

New Element discovered at UEL


University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Becktonite (symbol=Bt), has one neutron, 25 pro vice neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Becktonite  has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Becktonite can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Becktonite  has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Becktonite s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Becktonite  is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Becktonite  becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Becktonite , since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons..

Hopping As One

UEL has sponsored a new piece of artwork displayed on the fence directly outside the Stratford Station entrance and the new Westfield shopping centre. The work is entitled Hopping for Arts sake  by 10CC. Take a look next time you pass through Stratford Station. 






“out of Focus”: next issue of the semester

The next issue for the semester of this online newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 8th  June.  If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to tony  no later than Friday 3rd June.



FIFA go for surprise candidate as President

In an unprecendented job swap it was agreed at a hush hush round of meetings that UelConnect Director, Sarah Frame, would exchange her position for a new one at FIFA that would also see Sepp Blatter coming in as pro VC Strategic Planning. An excited UEL spokesperson said that Professor Blatter had displayed exactly the qualities that were needed in enhancing the reputation of Fifa and that UEL was looking forward to him bringing his financial acumen and probity to the University.
For the full story see bit.ly/VCG Post


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Thursday, June 02, 2011

Out of Focus Issue 2

 

Welcome to out of Focus Update…

| Issue 2: 25 May 2011
| What’s Happening | UEL Roundup | Do The Camberwick Green Thing |

UEL Award shortlisted for prestigious award

Congratulations to UEL Award Services for their hard work, which has lead to them being shortlisted for the Beano Award for Awarding yourself an Award. The team is one of only one hundred and twelve institutions to be listed in the ‘Outstanding Award  Team’ category.  To find out more, and to see the list in full, visit bit.ly/the_awards


UEL’s unique digital watch project offers priceless opportunity to tell the time 

UEL’s MICKEYMOUSE (Museum Integrated Chronometer Keynote Ergocratic Yearly Monitoring Of Undergraduate Systems Everywhere) project was officially launched last week with a guest speaker, Michael Mouse introducing some of the most influential names in the world of timepieces. The ground-breaking project, the only one of its kind in Europe, creates an integrated mobile facility for the measuring and subsequent examination of rare and unusual University policies. The University has worked closely with Disneyland University in Paris on the project, using scanning technology developed and donated by the University, already successfully employed in USA, South Korea and the Isle of Dogs.  

Hard Cheese Rolling

A superb performance by four UEL Management Team members at the recent Outsourcing Utility Teams  Program University Tournament, (OUTPUT) In a masterful display of Hard Cheese Rolling the programme put forward by the University to outsource its Security staff whilst simultaneously denying them early retirement won the star prize. Judges particularly like the extra touch of putting the letters in the same envelope thus making additional savings on postage.  

The Books Cooked

UEL Director  Andrew Macdonald has, in yet another adventurous career move, branched out in a surprising new direction. Fresh from the knocking out ceremony for the new Stratford Library and the creation of a fabulous lawned pasture at Docklands  Andrew has reacquainted himself with a love of the pastoral life and invested in a farm. For the full story see Http://bit.ly/am

“out of Focus”: next issue of the semester

The next issue of this online newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 1st June.  If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to Tony no later than Friday 27 May.

New staff catering unit unveiled at Docklands

Uel announced today that their popular summer activity of hunt the catering outlet resumes yet again this summer. This year not content with outsourcing the edge to a National Pasta Festival  they are catering for hungry staff by closing the Knowledge Dock and upgrading Oscars Bistro. A UEL spokes person Ms M Malone said “Cockles and Mussels would bring in extra spin-offs in staff health benefits. It would also provide links with the Olympic theme as they could wheel their wheelbarrows through corridors broad and narrow”.

UEL shortlisted for prestigious Super Injunction Post

I’m afraid that a super injunction prevents me from congratulating the next Managing Director of the IMF. However the candidate was nominated as a successor to  Dominique Strauss-Kahn as “pledging to keep up the traditions of his predecessor”.  We can, of course await the resultant Twitter campaign that will lead to an announcement in inFocus

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011



Welcome to out of Focus Update…

| Issue 1: 17 May 2011
| Whats Happening | UEL Roundup | Do The Bethnal Green Thing | 

News in brief


UEL demonstrates commitment to London Living Wage Campaign

The University despite signing up to the London Living Wage Campaign  has still not implemented it for the Cleaning Staff. In a sepearte dispute there is a petition to bring them back in house For the full story see bit.ly/cleaners voice





Security Review Success 

 

It’s been a record-breaking Security Review year for UEL. The University’s final response rate, 0.0058%, is the highest-ever despite this being it’s shortest-ever campaign. More managers than ever before achieved 0.050%+ response rates, UEL’s web page received a record number of hits, and there was an 11% rise in the proportion of staff taking their frustration out by sticking pins in effigies. This record response was the result of hard work and co-operation by many people across Schools and Services  so congratulations and thank you to everyone who contributed. The results will be possibly published in August 2050 when we hope to see another record high for our satisfaction rating. We’re currently reviewing this year’s security review campaign, to see how we can take our response rate beyond 0.060%, and would welcome feedback, ideas and suggestions. If you would like to give us your views on any aspect of the campaign or would like to get involved next year, please email Don't bother e-mailing me I'll just ignore it@uel.ac.uk or come along to our drop-in Security review forum at Docklands Campus from 3 – 5pm in EB.1.03.

Moscow beckons for UEL backwards walking team

A superb performance by four UEL Management Team members at the recent British Universities & Cute Kit Sport, Teamwork Opportunity Program , (BUCKSTOPS) backward walking regatta, has boosted their chances of taking part in this summer’s European University Backward Walking  Championships in Limerick In what were extremely tough conditions, the team collected an impressive haul of three gold medals and one silver medal for their efforts in a range of individual and team events at the regatta in Nottingham.

The secrets of business

Former UEL Dean Len Shackleton in surprise career move  Len  has released a new smartphone application, or ‘app’, for budding entrepreneurs and new-starters in business. The app, entitled ‘Len’s : Business Secrets’ provides a detailed how-to guide on how to build and manage your own football team , from managing finances to marketing and overseas recruitment.  The app is free to download for a limited period; simply search ‘Business Secrets’ in your phone’s app store.  Len will also be appearing at the Apple flagship store in Covent Garden, central London, to answer questions on running a successful small business. For the full story see bit.ly/Footie

“out of Focus”: next issue of the semester

The next issue for the semester of this online student newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 25 May.  If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to tony  no later than Friday 20 May.

HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer

Hewlett-Packard announced Friday the release of the first-ever non-computer, a fully unusable device specially designed to address the demands of individuals who have absolutely no need to own a computer. CEO Léo Apotheker told reporters the non-computer was a long-overdue innovation that would finally allow consumers with zero interest in computers to enjoy all the benefits of not having one."For too long, manufacturers have catered exclusively to people expressing at least minimal interest in what a computer has to offer," Apotheker said during a press conference. "Meanwhile, there's an untapped group of consumers out there who've been telling us for years, 'Hey, no thanks. Computers aren't really for me.' Well, as of today, someone's finally listening.""If you've never wanted a computer, this is the product you've been waiting for," Apotheker added.
The non-computer, with its total lack of any software, keyboard, monitor, memory, or internal circuitry whatsoever, was constructed to free users from the computing functions that have historically turned off people who don't like using computers. Expected to retail for £4.99, the non-computer, Apotheker said, is the ideal machine for anyone who can't imagine typing, surfing the web, or sending an e-mail.


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