Welcome to out of Focus Update… | | Issue 3: 1st June 2011 |
News in brief
UEL demonstrates commitment to London Good Living Wage Campaign
£100,001 - £110,000 | 2 |
£110,001 - £120,000 | 3 |
£120,001 - £130,000 | 4 |
£150,001 - £160,000 | 1 |
Student Services at Stratford are moving
Student Services are moving from their existing Student Centre to somewhere even further away from the centre of Stratford Campus. Their bespoke offices complete with designer furniture and state of the art computer systems will move to a portacabin at the back end of the campus thus enhancing the student experience no end. A consultant on Toaster Placement was awarded the contract for heating the building
New Element discovered at UEL
University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Becktonite (symbol=Bt), has one neutron, 25 pro vice neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Becktonite has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Becktonite can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Becktonite has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Becktonite s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Becktonite is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Becktonite becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Becktonite , since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons..
Hopping As One
“out of Focus”: next issue of the semester
The next issue for the semester of this online newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 8th June. If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to tony no later than Friday 3rd June.FIFA go for surprise candidate as President
In an unprecendented job swap it was agreed at a hush hush round of meetings that UelConnect Director, Sarah Frame, would exchange her position for a new one at FIFA that would also see Sepp Blatter coming in as pro VC Strategic Planning. An excited UEL spokesperson said that Professor Blatter had displayed exactly the qualities that were needed in enhancing the reputation of Fifa and that UEL was looking forward to him bringing his financial acumen and probity to the University.For the full story see bit.ly/VCG Post
