Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Out of Focus Issue 5




Welcome to out of Focus Update…

| Issue 5: 22nd June 2011
| Whats happening  | UEL Round up | Do The Greenman Thing |

News in brief

RoSPA Non stick award for University of East London

UEL has won a Gold award for the fourth consecutive year in The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents’ prestigious Occupational Health and Safety Awards, 2011. The Gold award was collected on behalf of UEL by Del Basi, Occupational Health and Safety Manager, (pictured) during a gala ceremony in Birmingham last month. This prominent award recognises overarching health and safety management systems, including important practices such as removing glue from envelopes. RoSPA Awards Manager, David Rawlins, commented, “The University of East London has shown that it is committed to increasing the health and well being of its staff by making their envelopes non sticky and we are delighted to honour it through the presentation of an non stick frying pan.” For more information see bit.ly/H&S Award


Men in Hats: UEL cuts a dash in Brazil
You’ve heard of the ‘man bag’, well now daring male academics are sporting the ‘silly hat’.  Designed by fashion  students and modelled by members of the Chancellery on its recent diplomatic  mission, UEL has brought this daring new fashion accessory to the catwalks of Brazil.  Millinery at its most versatile, they can be worn with the robes of more formal engagements, or more casually with budgie smugglers for promenading on Copa Cobana beach. Delighted Fernando Telles  Ribeiro, on whom they also bestowed a much valued honorary degree said, ‘ Que meu bumbum parece grande nesta?’, which literally translated from the Portuguese means  ‘ Does my bum look big in this’  .  The women at the event notably and perhaps more wisely remained hatless!
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Outdoor gym opens at UEL

A new outdoor gym at Stratford Campus has been officially opened as part of an intiative to increase students ansd staffs health & well being The facility, which is open to students, staff and the local community, was unveiled at a special event last Thursday, involving staff and students from the Forest Gate Freemasons Institute attempting a massed dash from the Manby Arms. The outdoor gym has been funded by Newham Council’s refuse collection service and is situated on the just behind the climbing frame.

Royal engagement for HRH the Prince of Wales marred by over zealous parking regime


It seems as though the Royal Family just can’t get enough of the University of East London, as students from the Institute for Performing Arts Development (IPAD) performed at their behest for the second time in less than six weeks. In a surprise visit, Prince Charles travelled out to east London to visit businesses, individuals and organisations based at Trinity Bouy Wharf, including students from UEL’s IPAD. Sadly by not filling in the parking permit HRH left his vehicle parked in the nearby streets and as you can see from the picture the inevitable happened.

“out of Focus”: next issue of the semester

The next issue for the semester of this online newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 22nd  June.  If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to tony no later than Friday 10th June.






Toastergate 3 – The Saga continues…..
As Stratford Student Services completed the move into their new office space in R Building, Stratford, attention was drawn to the even newer relocation strategy. The new building is to be towed away and moored outside the docklands campus in an effort to improve communications between the two sites. Based on the Finance model of only having cashiers at one site the VCG have also turned part of the building over to HM Prisons in an imaginative attempt to boost finances. Setting a “fee” of £9000 for each inmate the lucky staff will have full access to old Ronnie Barker videos and an endless supply of Johnny Cash albums.
UEL implements new higher London desks for VCG Group

UEL has announced that it has appointed a new pro vice chancellor-desks, that will source an ethical and expensive series of desks for its members. The Highly Expensive London Desk Unification Program (HELDUP) will be implemented as soon as the contract commences on 1 August 2011, despite the tender process having commenced before the announcement of the new pro Vice Chancellor. After a tendering process that saw submissions from a number of companies, the University agreed to engage Desk Procurement specialists, HardUp (Higher and Raised Desks University Procurement) in an effort to raise the profile of all executive desks. UEL’s procurement process was also informed by a series of relocations of offices planned throughout the summer. For the full story see . See bit.ly/ Desks r us
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Out of Focus Issue 4





Welcome to out of Focus Update…

| Issue 4: 8th June 2011
| What’s Happening | UEL Roundup | Do The Kensal Green Thing |

News in brief


UEL “Statto” scores again  


The University continues to support the provision of statistics that ought to be true ensuring that all of its senior managers are not faced without statistical backup. In an early preparation for the annual HESDA returns our resident statistician “statto” provided the following background information on how we are keeping afloat






Mortgaging Oscars
12%
Recycling QMW’s
prospectus with our Logo  
31%
Cash4teeth.com
16%
Charging extra for seats in a lecture
22%
Increased use of expensive desks
19%

Catering Services Dessert in EU Name Change ruling

Against the wishes of Catering Services , Arctic Rolls were granted protection under the EU ‘regional food’ policy yesterday. From July, the retro dessert can only be labelled ‘Arctic Roll’ if it is manufactured within the Arctic circle.‘We will challenge this ruling’ complained a spokesman for Catering Services, ‘but in the meantime, we’re trying to find out if any of the Inuit tribes have experience of making jammy sponge ice-cream desserts. We’re hoping maybe some of the tribesmen who make Baked Alaska might do it.’
The ruling is the latest in a string of ‘tit for tat’ applications by companies keen to undermine their competitors. Cadbury’s were the first to bring the issue in front of the EU, by applying for protection for Mars Bars and Milky Way. Mars have drawn up emergency plans for a rebranding of Mars Bars to Slough Chows. However, research using a GCSE book on astronomy showed that the Milky Way snack is already technically compliant.

Does-it- matter discovered at UEL


University researchers have published papers showing that following the discovery of Anti-matter a new substance Does-it-matter has materialised. This new particle was found as a spinoff from the Becton re-cycler where education, students and money is fed in and education and students are forced out. Does-it-matter can be detected by an apathymeter, Scientists believe that the Does-it-matter particle is usually annihilated by the Tate am-I-Bovvered boson which results in a release of large sums of money which is absorbed extremely quickly by the Becton recycler.


Acronyms are Us
Registrars and Tutors will have been delighted at the announcement of the new Attendance Recording System which promises to revolutionise the recording of student attendance. There are naturally one or two teething problems to work out however as the rival Educational Licensed Broadcast Optional WebCapture system is still under test. Management at this moment in time are working out the difference between their Ars and their Elbow. Over the next two months work will be undertaken at both the Stratford and Docklands Campuses in order to install Proximity Card Readers in our classrooms ready for their inclusion in a new Attendance Recording System (ARS).  ARS will be introduced in conjunction with our new and improved Access Control System which in addition to retaining all of our current functionality also enables us to use ‘touch in’ and ‘touch out’ services not currently available. It was felt that the ACS would not fall on heads of services however. 
The main difference between the systems is the actual cards used and between the ars swipe and the elbow room will lie reams and reams of paper for more details see bit.ly/elbow differential

“Out of Focus”: next issue.

The next issue for the semester of this online newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 15th  June.  If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to: Tony  - no later than Friday 10rd June.




UEL go for surprise candidate as Pro Vice Chancellor

In an unusual change from the norm it was announced that Dusty Springfield the famously deceased singer would be taking over a new role as Pro-Vice chancellor in charge of the undead. This is obviously a departure from the norm for the University Management Team but a spokesperson felt that the university was lacking in this important area with a high growth potential in what was certain to be a extremely competitive market.  It was felt that as a son of a preacher man in the middle of nowhere wishing and hoping that they only want to be with you was exactly the kind of person to take on this exciting challenge
For the full story see bit.ly/VCG Post

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