Out of Focus Issue 4

Welcome to out of Focus Update…

| Issue 4: 8th June 2011

| What’s Happening | UEL Roundup | Do The Kensal Green Thing |

News in brief

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UEL “Statto” scores again  

The University continues to support the provision of statistics that ought to be true ensuring that all of its senior managers are not faced without statistical backup. In an early preparation for the annual HESDA returns our resident statistician “statto” provided the following background information on how we are keeping afloat

Mortgaging Oscars	12%
Recycling QMW’s prospectus with our Logo	31%
Cash4teeth.com	16%
Charging extra for seats in a lecture	22%
Increased use of expensive desks	19%

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Catering Services Dessert in EU Name Change ruling

Against the wishes of Catering Services , Arctic Rolls were granted protection under the EU ‘regional food’ policy yesterday. From July, the retro dessert can only be labelled ‘Arctic Roll’ if it is manufactured within the Arctic circle.‘We will challenge this ruling’ complained a spokesman for Catering Services, ‘but in the meantime, we’re trying to find out if any of the Inuit tribes have experience of making jammy sponge ice-cream desserts. We’re hoping maybe some of the tribesmen who make Baked Alaska might do it.’

The ruling is the latest in a string of ‘tit for tat’ applications by companies keen to undermine their competitors. Cadbury’s were the first to bring the issue in front of the EU, by applying for protection for Mars Bars and Milky Way. Mars have drawn up emergency plans for a rebranding of Mars Bars to Slough Chows. However, research using a GCSE book on astronomy showed that the Milky Way snack is already technically compliant.

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Does-it- matter discovered at UEL

University researchers have published papers showing that following the discovery of Anti-matter a new substance Does-it-matter has materialised. This new particle was found as a spinoff from the Becton re-cycler where education, students and money is fed in and education and students are forced out. Does-it-matter can be detected by an apathymeter, Scientists believe that the Does-it-matter particle is usually annihilated by the Tate am-I-Bovvered boson which results in a release of large sums of money which is absorbed extremely quickly by the Becton recycler.

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Acronyms are Us

Registrars and Tutors will have been delighted at the announcement of the new Attendance Recording System which promises to revolutionise the recording of student attendance. There are naturally one or two teething problems to work out however as the rival Educational Licensed Broadcast Optional WebCapture system is still under test. Management at this moment in time are working out the difference between their Ars and their Elbow. Over the next two months work will be undertaken at both the Stratford and Docklands Campuses in order to install Proximity Card Readers in our classrooms ready for their inclusion in a new Attendance Recording System (ARS).  ARS will be introduced in conjunction with our new and improved Access Control System which in addition to retaining all of our current functionality also enables us to use ‘touch in’ and ‘touch out’ services not currently available. It was felt that the ACS would not fall on heads of services however. 

The main difference between the systems is the actual cards used and between the ars swipe and the elbow room will lie reams and reams of paper for more details see bit.ly/elbow differential

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“Out of Focus”: next issue.

The next issue for the semester of this online newsheet will be released next Wednesday, 15^th  June.  If you would like to submit an item – whether need-to-know information, a news story or scurrilous rumour – then please email your copy and image to: Tony  - no later than Friday 10^rd June.

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UEL go for surprise candidate as Pro Vice Chancellor

In an unusual change from the norm it was announced that Dusty Springfield the famously deceased singer would be taking over a new role as Pro-Vice chancellor in charge of the undead. This is obviously a departure from the norm for the University Management Team but a spokesperson felt that the university was lacking in this important area with a high growth potential in what was certain to be a extremely competitive market.  It was felt that as a son of a preacher man in the middle of nowhere wishing and hoping that they only want to be with you was exactly the kind of person to take on this exciting challenge
For the full story see bit.ly/VCG Post

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